The Warning Signs of Insanity

• Your friends tell you that you have been acting strange lately, and then you hit them several times with a sledgehammer.

• You start out each morning with a 30-minute jog around the bathroom.

• You write to your mother in Germany every week, even though she sends you mail from Iowa asking why you never write.

• Every time you see a street sign, you have a tremendous urge to relieve yourself on it.

• Every commercial you hear on the radio reminds you of death.

• Your breath smells more and more like squirrel dung each passing day.

• Nobody listens to you anymore, because they can't understand you through that scuba mask.

• You collect dead windowsill flies.

• You like cats. Especially with mayo.

• You put tennis balls in the microwave to see if they'll hatch.

• Whenever you listen to the radio, the music sounds backwards. And you like it.

• Your dentist asks you why each individual tooth has your name etched on it, and you tell him it's for security reasons.

• When the waiter asks for your order, you ask to go into another room to tell him, because "someone may overhear."

• You tend to agree with everything your mother's dead uncle tells you.

• Every time you see the commercial for the Hair Club For Men, you think to yourself, "I think I'll kill the prime minister of Pakistan today."

• You call up random people and ask if you can borrow their dog, just for a few minutes.

• You argue with yourself about which is better, to be eaten by a koala or to be loved by an infectious disease.

• You think that exploding wouldn't be so bad, once you got used to it.

• You like reading lists like this.