Miscellaneous Quotes

Quotes from people identified by whole names

Missy Baier:
• "My God, they are an illusion! I feel hair!"
• Out of nowhere: "I know why my hands are sticky! I spilled lemon juice on them!"
Ken Bayer:
• "I hate you."
• "I am not whipped. I am not whipped. Tiffany, can I finish this mission?"
• To Tiffany: "Guess who woke up in Joel's bed this morning." (The answer, after a suspenseful pause: "Joel.")
Julie Beaudry: "It's damp and it smells like tacos, but I can do it, dammit. I'm going to do it, dammit." (I don't know, ask Ryan)
Rhoda Beutler: "It's nice to see you--on both sides of the window!"
Ryan Feagan:
• "I'll be in town tomorrow night. Prepare Laura as appropriate."
• Thrusting a Furby at Jason, as it made noises like a backward-talking possessed chicken: "Is this a normal Furby noise?"
Matt Fisher:
• Before dumping powdered coffee creamer into a full glass of Dr. Slice: "I'd just like to take this opportunity to say... I am weird."
• When asked about Adkin's behavior of late: "On a scale of one to ten, he's an eleven."
Jeff Green:
• "She's too real!" (In reference to Sarah, of all people!)
• "Yeah, I'm a femi-Nazi, man."
John Hejkal: "If I was Othello and I found out all that stuff at the end, I'd just be like, 'Man, I suck!'"
Julie Hutfless:
• "Yeah, like you guys have never been called freaks before."
• Considering calling the number on the phone in order to determine what it's for: "Oh, that's our number!"
Lis Jump: Describing a professor: "Death not quite completely warmed all the way over."
Eryn McConnell, RA: "No. I like the candle."
Tom Oldham:
• During some sort of iron defilement: "Lucas! You're disturbing the hell out of me!"
• "The FDA has a minimum content for insect parts in food."
Becca Oltman: "But Sarah I like being naked!"
Lucas Sabalka: "What are you doing with my chocolate-covered chain mail nevermind?"
Aaron Sorensen: Having been introduced to Morgan as a gnome: "So if I rub you do I get wishes?"
Julie Splittgerber: "Yesterday, tomorrow, it's the same thing. If I would've been talking two days ago, tomorrow would've been yesterday."
Brad Trenkle: "Mental hygiene: Cleaning up those dirty minds."
Jason Warren: "I can see why people commit suicide."
Jeannette Zimmer: "Yeah, I've got a 486 POS."

Quotes from unidentified or partially identified people

An English 189H student: "Society is inherently evil."
Another (male) English 189H student: "So is it ever possible for a male to be an erotic object?" (Well, in your case...)
The crazy man at the fountain: "Don't pee your pants now, Brian."
Our new RA buddy from Selleck: "Are you music majors?"
Some random girl walking from the strip to the stairs: "And then she was reaching around in my sweater..."
Anonymous: (After seeing The Blair Witch Project, it was noted that it was the men in the group who were quaking.) "We're gay; we're hardly men."
A visitor to Pound 10: "Oh, Matt, you drive me crazy! I don't know what you're doing, but don't stop!"
Some guy named Tim: "Are those two dating?" (He was referring to Laura and Ryan.)
Chelsea at Village Inn, the world's best server:
• "I will not go out with you." (To Ross)
• "This is my friend Jim, he's really cool."
• "You guys smiled. Ususally I just tell people, sorry, we're out of ice cream."
• "It's late; usually I'm a bitch."
Several people: "Nathan's dead. He was shot. I shot him. With the shoe."
Nick from St. Thomas: "Do I want to know why Sarita is looking for baby names? Was Sarita naughty this weekend?" (Sarah of course denies this.) "Because Sarita is an evil, naughty person!"
Erin's favorite coworker: "It's okay, I'm just joking. You don't have to plot my death or anything." Oh I'm way ahead of you there, my dear.
A very nice driver in the Old Market: "Waaaaalk!" (It was actually some sort of squawk.)
Anonymous individuals corresponding with hopes of admission into higher education:
• "...I will get my bachelor's degree in June of 2001, and hope to continue my pursuit for the beauty of physics hence after." (Yeah, let me know if you ever catch it.)
• "I am indebted to Internet for the fame and address of your university and long for being a graduate student of yours."
• "I would like to express my selves to you. Please look at me."
• "I just dare not imagine what kind of a chaos the world would plunge into if mathematics were without our knowledge."
• "NOTE: I WILL BE A FRESH PASS OUT WITH OUT ANY EXPERIENCE."
• "My name I [student's name] and I have been thinking about going to school there @ the University I would like to play Football and check into your Ag program."
Morgan's mother: "So he's going to save the world in 15 minutes?" (About Steven Segal's The Patriot, which she was sitting through the end of so she could tape something else.)
Morgan's friend Kyle: "Yes! Moby Dick has pictures!"
Anonymous: "Holy sock monkeys, my brassiere is on the internet!"
Anonymous: About homework/papers turned in: "They're not identical.... We have different fonts!"
Female office professional, to her male boss:
• "I realize that you are the dean, but I think that area's restricted." (When the office had just moved into a new building and the male dean almost went into the women's restroom instead of the break room.)
• During an evacuation: "Ooh, firefighters! There's a pool I haven't been in!"
English 252 student: "[Name of classmate], would you please not come to class on drugs again?"
Erin's father: "If Erin ever gets a guy she'll probably mate with him once and then bite his head off."
Anonymous student in Adkin's Classics 282: "I'm scared."
Erin's sister Rachel:
• "Hello, child. I've got a monkey for you. A monkey? A monkey!"
• "You know what you need, Erina? [Dramatic pause] Grandchildren."
• About Ryan Correll: "He's something worse than an elf. But I'm not sure what. He's not human, though."
• "I just thought of the coolest advertisement for the cotton gin!"
• "Ooh boogie boogie boogie! Ooh boogie boogie boogie!" ...while balancing a coffee filter on a pancake turner and waving it over everyone's plates at dinner back at the farm.
• "We're gonna do your nails; it'll be just like a real saloon." (Yes, she knows the difference between a salon and a saloon.)
• Listening to "The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything": "That one's Liz, isn't it?"
• Not to be outdone by Andrea, who was going to make brownies for Erin and Morgan: "Okay, let's boil some noodles, and we'll work from there."
• After being told that her forehead seemed to have a corner: "That's from my ankle hitting it."
• Reading Erin's thesis: "This is the worst thing I've ever read." Her primary complaint was the use of sentence fragments.
• Pointing at a distant yard light on a hot summer night: "Look, it's Erina and her friends! She has a chemical reaction in her rear end that makes it light up!"
Unknown student at food service: "Dude, I paid my $35 to get into your crappy zoo--now I'm gonna look at the penguins as long as I want!"
Unknown kid outside Selleck, calling to another kid: "Gunther, will you be a major in my army?"
Sid, deskworker/RA: "I am the Kuwaiti oil king and I order you to sing for me."
Kathleen, Erin and Morgan's summer 2001 neighbor: "She's wearing my pants! I think she's wearing my pants!"
Jennifer, Erin and Morgan's summer 2001 neighbor: Hypothesizing about synesthesia: "When I eat chocolate ice cream, I see dead people. That would be so scary--I would never touch the s***!"
Preacher in the Union Plaza: "Jesus Christ is the one true way to God--not Pepsi One!"
Arthur (of the chem lab): "Any setback is just a setup for a comeback."
A girl walking toward 16th on a cold Saturday night, speaking through gritted teeth: "Stop kicking my butt! I don't have any underwear on, and it hurts!"
Some random white-bread college boy walking past CBA one morning: "And I saw this 45- to 50-year-old white guy waltzing on into their place, and I was like, I'm sorry, but that's a drug deal."
Erin's aunt, to her mother, at a burial ceremony on a hot day: "Well, you and I can take our tops off, and that'll probably help."
Michael, an old friend of Ken and Renee's: At 3 AM to a very drunk Ken, about Tiffany: "I think she said something about a rest stop... and a flat tire... weren't you supposed to go get her?"